There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
