My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
