Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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