It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
