If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I could make wine with my vomit
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
