Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Randomize
