you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
