We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
