My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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