By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
