How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
