I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING