Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.