how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
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Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
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I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'