so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.