You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
