WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
