My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
