my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
