Farmville is her only friend.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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