I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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