You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
