My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Someone shattered a urinal.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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