Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
