Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
