birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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