Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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