What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
