Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
