I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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