she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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