Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
