I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
