Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
