i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
