i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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