I feel like abortions should bother me more
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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