Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
