Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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