i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
