i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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