hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
