I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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