I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize