I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
