there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
