Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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