I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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