did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
