My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
