new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
