I just made out with a guy for $7.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
jump out the window naked night went bad
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