I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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