This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
