I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
