im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
