Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
