at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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