you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
