it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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