I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
