Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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