Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
